Kobe Bryant Takes Family to Galaxy Game

  Kobe Bryant will be shopping for another $8 Million dollar diamond ring for his wife this week to make up for another bad judgement.  This time Kobe took his wife to see David Beckham’s LA Galaxy play the expansion team San Jose Earthquakes.  The cameras for ESPN featured Kobe prominently and his wife was in the shot, looking very, very angry.  One cannot blame her for the torture of watching the 2nd worst team in the league play the worst team in the league.

President Bush Throws First Pitch…

  President Bush threw the first pitch of the National’s season-opening game yesterday.  It was pitch aimed high and inside at Cardinals All-Star Albert Pujols.  The resulting walk put the the potential first score on first base to open the inning.  Bush proceeded to walk the next two batters to fill the bases before being pulled for reliever John McCain.

   “President Bush was flustered by the events of the first inning.  Pujols had said some pretty nasty things and frankly, Bush feared the Cardinals would retaliate by pitching at Dick Cheney’s head.” Said White House spokesperson/color commentator Tony Snow.

  After the game the ACLU threatened lawsuit saying President Bush committed a hate crime by pitching at Pujol’s head.  ACLU spokesman John Glove had this to say:  “I heard President Bush rant something about Pujols being an illegal immigrant… we can’t put up with that behavior in either our National Government or our beloved national pastime.”

Al Gore Sues to Overturn Survivor Vote

  Unhappy with the recent sending-off of Survivor contestant Amy, Al Gore has threatened a law suit.  The basis for the case (Gore V/S CBS) is that Al Gore thinks it is unfair that the team with immunity didn’t get to vote for their choice of who to send off the losing team.

   “This is America, or at least where I watch it is America.  And here we count everyone’s vote.  I don’t care if there was a binding agreement that the participants understood at the time of the vote, their votes should count, dammit!” Said a dispondent Al Gore.

  Survivor candidate Erik (who barely escaped being sent off) responded with “I’m sure the courts will uphold the rules that were established long before we came to this god-for saken, swamp-filled misqueto hell-hole.  Also, why does Al Gore where that beard?  That thing looks like it’s made out of pubes.  Nasty, shaggy pubes.”