The Conservative’s Source for Funny Fake News

Eloquent Words Face Massive Inflation Increase

We didnt think youd understand the story without a chart.

We didn't think you'd understand the story without a chart.

  Leading Vocabulary Economisists today have announced the nation is facing an unforeseen massive crisis:  Eloquent Word Inflation.  Vocab Econ Eggheads at Kentucky Wesleyan College have been tracing the value of Eloquent words since 1996.  Professor Steve Beach had this to say “We’ve never seen such a quarterly jump in the values of Eloquent words.  Ten years ago, Eloquent Words might have got you a job, perhaps even let you score with a woman that is much, much more attractive then you would normally be able to score with.  But now, now Eloquent words seem to be at such a high value they will actually allow you to be elected President of the United States with no real record and despite having a long, long shadowy past full of shadowy, vaguely anti-American friends, perhaps even domestic terrorist connections.”

  Vocab Economists recommend that you fight Eloquent Word Inflation by not watching re-runs of Frasier, not listening to alternative bands like “Death Cab for Cutie”, and by researching Democratic Presidential Nominees for more then their empty, empty, eloquent words that might sound refreshing after eight years of misspoken presidential addresses from men who care more about action and values then image.


June 10, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Michelle Obama and Bill Clinton caught in bed together

  Shock and awe from the political world this week, as it was revealed that Michelle Obama and Bill Clinton once shared a romantic weekend.  Last fall CNN hosted a political panel featuring the Democratic Candidates (including John Edwards and his hairpiece of glory), apparently the spouses were kept backstage in a greenroom.  Bill and Michelle both made excuses to leave (Bill claimed his dinner was backing up on him and Michelle claimed that Dennis Kucinich’s wife kept clutching her purse and stairing at Michelle as if she was going to take it from her) and met up later at a Holiday Inn Express.  This alone is thought to be the reason why Obama refuses to take Hillary as his Vice President, well, that and the fact that Hillary will give him the “Vince Foster Special” (according to some reports she’s already picked out the park he’ll be found in with no mud on his shoes).

June 2, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Obama Loses Hearing

In a stunning turn of events today, the Obama camp announced the candidate has no hearing left whatsover.  This explains why he told a crowd that his address to the Automobile makers was so tough on them that they didn’t clap for him.  Also of note, the campaign claims Obama’s vision kind of comes and goes so he didn’t really notice their standing ovation either. Click HERE to see the video and hear the clapping.


May 16, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

President Bush 1st to Sign Crack

  President Bush today met with other world leaders to sign their “Yearbook of World Leaders.”  This is an important moment for Bush as he will soon graduate from the Presidency and move on in his life.  In typical Bush fashion, the President signed in the fold of every world leader’s Yearbook with the classic line:  “I’m the first to sign your crack!”

  Inside his own yearbook the following messages were written:

  “Hate to see you go… but next year’s gonna rock!-Russia.”

  “Best Friends Forever-Isreal.”

  “Sorry about letting you cheat off me when I had all the wrong answers-Britain”

  “Goodbye and thanks for all the fish-Africa.”

May 15, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Obama to World… Quit Talking About Me.

  Following up on his accusation that President Bush was refering to him when he announced that those who would talk to terrorists are guilty of appeasement, Senator Obama went on a long rant telling everyone to quit talking about him:

  “It’s obvious from where I stand that everyone, yes, everyone is talking about me.  You can’t blame them, I am great.  Just last week I heard someone in Kentucky say something about ‘Big Brown’ pulling away from that filly and that after this race she has to be put down.  Pretty obvious there huh… they’re talking about me.  Then I was in Cleveland and heard someone say they were 100% behind the Browns this fall.  Pretty clear they mean me and my wife, huh?  I appreciated all the attention-and really, I love it!  But please, when even sportscasters can’t stop talking about me, it’s kind of embarassing.”

May 15, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Obama Continues to Win Obama-Voters in Heavy Margins

  Despite being embarrased at his 37 point beatdown in West Viriginia last night, Obama’s campaign could find a brite spot in last night’s election demographics.  Sure, Obama lost the White vote, the working class vote, the college-grad vote, the old vote, and even the under 30 vote.

But Obama campaign staffers/National news media figures point to Obama’s continued amazing run of solidly winning the votes of those voters who identify themselves as Obama Supporters.

“Frankly,” said Obama, “I’m amazed that we’re continuing to win 100% of the voters who want me to win.  That’s an amazing demographic that Hillary just can’t connect with.  It really is further proof that even though I will lose the working class vote to McCain that Hillary would be a worse candidate.  Afterall, she can’t even win any of my die-hard supporters.”

May 14, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Fans Enjoy Soccer

  In what will come as a major suprise to network executives, conclussive proof was found Tuesday that fans actually enjoy going to soccer game.  NBC Sports executive Tim Pinhead had this to say: “I’m stunned… I mean, I know NBA crowds love the game, you can just see them in the crowd, all wearing the free shirt the hometeam gives away so the crowd looks like a big blur of one color, the fans just sitting there listening to really, really loud rap music while a game plays out.  But soccer?  I mean, there’s footage of crowds jumping up and down and singing… and it’s not even a playoff game!  Who knew?”

  When asked for comment the NFL commisioner Roger Goodell said:  “Frankly I’m not impressed.  If it doesn’t involve the Patriots, I could care less.”

May 14, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Clinton Stopped By Boobs

  Yesterday in West Virginia, Hillary Clinton was refused entry into a store by two large, Obama-supporting boobs.  Thankfully Bill was back home in New York.

May 13, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Clinton Claims to Have Visited 58 States

  With Senator Obama’s comment last week that he visited 57 states, Rival Hillary Clinton came out today and said she’d visited 58.  Clinton followed up by saying white people in those extra 8 states really, really like her over him.

Senator Obama couldn’t be reached for comment as he was campaigning in the state of North Idaho.  Aides claimed he will address the issue at a speech scheduled for next Thursday in East Kentucky.

May 12, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Bush Daughter Caught Drinking Champagne

  Presidential Daughter Jenna Bush was caught drinking Champagne this weekend at President Bush’s Crawford Ranch.

  Media insider Mel Gomez had this to say “We were stunned.  The first Daughter was seen drinking!  On her daddy’s ranch no less.  It is a good thing she was drinking Champagne instead of Red wine though, because she was wearing a pretty sequined dress that was all-white.  Plus, here funny veil-like hat might have intereferred, if she’d spilled a red wine on that dress she’d never be able to wear it again.  I’m just glad the press was there to catch the whole story and give you the important facts you deserve without any of the fluff the Republican party wants you to hear.”

May 12, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment